Thought Math

Growing up, when I heard adults say, “It’s the thought that counts,” my first thought was, “I agree, if by thoughts, you mean gifts, and by gifts, you mean that kick-ass Lego spacecraft model at Toys R’ US that is very reasonably priced at $10,000,000.”

But last Tuesday, I was handed a confounding lesson in “thought math” that proved those annoying, anti-gift giving adults right. Turns out, it is the thought that counts, and I have cards, emails, texts, memes, and even some weird, lame gifts that prove this.

The weirdest, potentially lame gift—aka the one that broke my heart wide open and told the Lego-obsessed, money-less little kid in me to get bent—was from my wife.

It was a “Steelers game bingo set,” the kind of thing you see in the winding line at TJ Maxx, one of those dumb items that begs you to buy it because it has a big red sale sticker on it and it’s a novelty gift and you know someone who might like it.

But my wife didn’t get this at TJ Maxx, or even Ross, where you can dress like a hobo, for less. (Don’t kill the messenger! I only say this because I “dressed for less” with Ross clothes in my late 20s and everyone said I dressed like someone living at a shelter).

Nope. El Wife-o bought this for an outlandishly unfair, gouged price, online, from some capitalist hipster on eBay (who in a former life was probably a pricing director for Lego). But the reason it’s the best gift is because of the thought-math behind it.

My wife doesn’t like sports. She also doesn’t hate them, but she’s incapable of getting into them unless…actually, there’s no unless. She can’t watch sports, for any reason. Like the other night, she literally got up at the end of a tied World Cup match with two penalty kicks to go, and when I asked, “Don’t you want to see how this ends?” She yawned and said, “It’s almost over?”

“Yes! There’s like twenty seconds left and the loser goes home and everyone in that country will cry. It’s a huge deal. This happens once every four years, and you just sat through all the boring parts. This scenario is what most fair-weather fans root for!”

“Um, no. That’s OK.” Then a small country defeated one of the most famous countries ever in what can only be described as “an historic upset for all of the ages.”

So my point is that she doesn’t like sports, but she got me this bingo set…get this…so she and my daughters, also non-sports fans, can watch football games with me, as a family, while learning how the game works and having age-appropriate fun!

Some die-hard sports fans might think this sounds terrible, because they don’t want to watch sports with “non-sports fans.” And before I had a family, I’d agree. But this isn’t a gift that gets non-sports fans to ruin my time.

Quite the contrary! This gift is my wife’s attempt to convert my family into sports fans, which, if that somehow happens, means it’s a gift I could only dream of: I’m getting a clan of fellow sports fans to hang and watch sports with! For life!

Touché, wife!

But that wasn’t the only reason I’m writing this. I’m also grateful for the people who sent me texts, DMs, emails, cards, and even Facebook messages. I know snobs who say some of those require little to no effort, but that doesn’t alter their effect on my heart. It was and will always be nice to hear from people I know, for any reason!

I’ve lived in nine states and forged friendships in each, so it has become impossible to maintain the truly tight relationships I once had with all those amazing people when we lived in the same zip code.

I get downtrodden when I reflect on what it’s like to get close to someone, only to part ways as life does its thing. I thus love how birthdays—a meaningless stat tied to a defunct calendar that uses a DIY, duct-taped extra-day every four years to pretend it works—gives us an excuse to let someone know we still care if they have a pulse.

It’s magical to hear from people you love. It’s not egotistical, megalomaniacal, or narcissistic to appreciate these acknowledgments, as they let us know we matter in some way, and I wish it was normal to do this every time we thought of someone.

But I also must admit that my bday wasn’t just a day of thought-math and love. I also got an electric drum kit from my parents, and my Aunt sent me cash, which in my book is still king (Sorry Mr. President). But I’m still waiting for that Lego spacecraft…

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This Week on Coffin Talk: The Reverend Wakil David Matthews has worked many years in hospice as a chaplain, and in funeral services and end-of-life planning and companionship. He’s smart, kind, wise, and loving. Our kinda guy! LISTEN HERE.