You Are Here

Hi.

I’m Mike Oppenheim and I’m here to help you think and laugh about the pursuit of inner-peace in a world of outer-chaos. I offer free, weekly essays and podcasts, as well as three premium posts each month (one bonus podcast, essay, and work of fiction).

Here are links to three popular posts that may help orient you to Where You Are.

How To Deal with People Who Are Saying Silly Things and Asking To Be Taken Seriously

Vaginas Can’t Aim

The Time I Went on a Date with a Homeless Woman

A brief history of what I do:

• I am a professional musician in the bands Punchclock & Smirk

• I have been writing weekly, fun essays since 2006 for You Are Here.

• In 2009 I got an MFA and became a novelist. I have since published five novels, with two more queued up for release only on Substack in 2025 and 2026!

Dysfunction (2010)

Baby Doll (The Book, (2012)

Too True to be Good (2017)

The Apology (2021)

Ardor (2023)

I also make fun videos:

• Squawk (34 original weird short films).

• YouScience 20 original satires of the self-help and science industries.

• Me-Search 20 additional satires of academic philosophy.

But wait, there’s more!

I also index and edit books, run a writing workshop, drink coffee, and eat avocados. And despite all my weird crafts and creations, my favorite part of life is my family, featuring my wife Elana, my son Tyler, my daughters Alice and Emily, and our dog Penelope Persimmon Parmesan (“Penny.”)