"What the f*ck?!" my four-year-old daughter exclaimed. "Are they trying to kill us?"
At first, I thought it was my imagination. There was no way my little angel had just uttered these words so perfectly. Not to mention the timing! I mean, the car ahead of us had just made a truly scary, selfish move that had endangered our lives.
I glanced in the mirror and found an expectant, devilish grin on my daughter’s face.
"Um...you can't say that, honey."
"I said it wrong?"
"Well, no. Um, actually, you said it perfectly. Like, really perfectly. But you can't say it! I told you, it’s a Dad Word. You'll get in a lot of trouble if you say it. I mean, not with me, but with other people. Like your grandmas, and even your mom. So don’t say it.”
"Why is it bad?"
"It upsets people. Please don't say it. I don't mind that you said it, here, now, in front of me, and, well, to be honest, because I don't want to hurt your self-esteem, I have to admit that you said it perfectly. Like, your intonation was perfect. I'm sort of amazed!"
I again eyed the mirror that faces a mirror I use to analyze my daughter's face as she rides backwards, a situation owed to draconian laws that are actually the opposite of “draconian,” but I don’t care. They are scientifically annoying and I hate them.
At any rate, she was smiling, the little cusser! Twas a wicked smile, but a smile nonetheless, and it indicated that I’d raised her with enough context to know that she was doing something technically wrong, but that her dad actually, technically liked it.
“So I can’t say it?”
“No. At least not until you’re much, much older,” I Dadded, reminding myself of my Mom’s never-changing answer to my perpetual pre-teen requests to get a tattoo.
My kid resumed hum-singing high-pitched nonsensical songs, and we drove the rest of the way to her Grandma’s house without another word, thick as thieves in our pact.
I dropped her and came home to my wife, hoping to avoid relaying the story, but when I saw our one-year-old, who also regularly hears me curse in the car, I panicked and confessed my parental sins to my wife, who scolded me how I scold her when she leaves a door open and lets flies in the house—firmly, but fair. We make a good team.
However, when I thought more about the incident that night, I got mad. At society.
Why? Because I can’t drive a mile without seeing a billboard that suggests something to my kids that is far more harmful than a mouth-sound that connotes, “I’m upset.”
My kids are regularly exposed to 30-foot tall ladies in thongs schilling booze, or marijuana ads that hock yummy-looking weed candy, and I’m equally stunned by ads that advertise “snacks” with more calories than we’re supposed to eat in two meals.
I’m not done. I also know that if I turn on the radio, there’s a decent chance I’m going to hear a profane pop song like “Wet Ass Pussy,” which was, well, shit. I can’t possibly do a better job writing about this game-changing “breach of decorum” than Wiki did:
WAP became the first female rap collaboration to debut atop the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 and had the largest opening streaming week for a song in U.S. history. The single spent four weeks atop the chart and multiple weeks at number one in several other countries. In 2023, the song was certified 8× Platinum by the RIAA.
I’d rather expose my kids to the word “fuck” than explain not just the word “pussy,” but also how they get “wet” when women are “aroused.” She just mastered counting!
But I can’t stop there. Our sitting president called his last opponent “a shit vice president” at a rally; ‘the news’ (whatever the fuck that means) recently spent two weeks showing a video of a congressperson named Lauren Boebert, who was caught vaping and giving her date a hand job at a play. And, in case you think I’m attacking team red, I can cite equally lewd, completely inappropriate public behavior at the hands of team blue icons like Eliot Spitzer (prostitution), Anthony Weiner (sent dick pics to a minor), and Adam Schiff, who said Trump can “go fuck himself” on TV.
So here’s where I’m at. I really, actually, truly do not give a fuck if my kids swear.
I feel like a manager (a job I’ve thrice had) because my supervisors (leadership) are telling me to behave one way, while they do the opposite, right in front of ‘the employees.’ How the fuck am I supposed to defend hypocrisy to my kids?
What we’re doing is truly insane. Kids watch and learn much better than they listen!
If we want a better future, we should be modeling appropriate behavior for our kids by
Rewarding those who are honorable and tell the truth
Lauding accountable people who privately apologize when they hurt someone
Demonstrating how to enjoy sharing what we have with others
Our culture is doing the exact opposite, and it’s fucking insane to expect things to improve. How dumb do we think kids are? Do we think kids will respect us if we say:
“Be a good citizen, kiddo! Pay attention to the wise, ethical ads you see. Take Ozempic if you over-eat! And ‘drink responsibly’ as you ingest chemicals that reduce your ability to be responsible! We should be unhealthy for the economy, and we should ‘monetize’ our passions, um, for democracy! Yeah! Freedom is buying and selling!”
Our consumption culture embraces greed. You know it, and I know it, yet we’re doing little to stop it. This reality only happens when a society cares more about economics than equanimity, and obsesses over keeping up with the Social Media Joneses.
I’m begging you, on behalf of “the children,” which is also “our future.” Stop supporting immoral people and immoral companies. We’re not better off this way. Kindness and honor are disintegrating, right before our eyes, and it’s our job to stop it.
Boycott companies you don’t like, and buy from the ones you admire. Practice discipline and hone patience with yourself and others. Be the changes you want to see. And most of all, be sure to ask drivers who cut you off, “What the actual fucking fuck?!”
This week Coffin Talk features my near-and-dear friend Margaret Harchut! She is (her words) “an extraordinarily ordinary woman” who has spent her professional life in the law enforcement/legal world. She has also raised two fiercely independent women, which she considers her greatest accomplishments. Ultimately, she wholeheartedly embraces her life, wherever it takes her! I love her and you will too! Listen here.
Hilarious and valid truths
I literally laughed out loud, picturing said 4-year-old testing you to see what she could get away with! I hope you know she's already smarter than you are and I give thanks that she has the mother she does. P.S. I need pictures!!!!!