The ** Path to Enlightenment
You’ve noticed it for a long time, in reports and rumors from friends and online. But somehow, you've managed to keep your cool as it leapt from continent to continent, showing up in every country.
It’s not that you don’t fear it, so much as you still have hope that it won’t happen to you. Meanwhile, others are panicking. They’re stockpiling toilet paper, refusing to travel, and avoiding certain foods—some people are even moving into rural shacks in the woods. But not you…at least for now.
But even when you try to avoid it, rumors still reach you, with hideous statistics, cataclysmic predictions, and gruesome tales of terror. It’s so bad that it makes COVID and the Bird, Pig, and Iguana Flus look like a cake walk. Yup. I’m talking about the dangerous, deadly, global “Moron Pandemic.”
Before I continue, I need help. I can’t discuss this crisis without some innovation. So, in an attempt to someday have my jersey retired in the Writer Hall of Fame, I’m unveiling a new punctuation mark.
I hereby introduce to you to the:
** (I’m a moron double-asterisk).
This new, fantastic literary device can end any sentence**
For example, the following statement should end with ** instead of a traditional period:
I love reality TV. It helps me think deeply**
Spoken aloud, this statement would read, “I love reality TV. It helps me think deeply. I’m a moron.”
Now consider the possibilities this punctuation mark holds! Anytime you write something dumb, you can immediately concede the fact that you are, indeed, a total moron, without wasting time saying it**!
As an added bonus, if you want to text a friend about the news, you can use ** for quotes to save time.
“Hey, friend, Did you hear the news? No? I’ll save you time. Here’s what a politician said about it:”
Lately, some of you have noticed a developing problem in our nation** But if we follow my new plan**, I will lead us to a solution** Because**, but also because**. God bless America.”
See how much time that saved? And you still got all the necessary facts! Yup. I’m a genius**
Did you know that ‘stupid’ has 57 synonyms and ‘smart’ only has 26?
This says a lot about our culture and its tenacious effort to describe our most prominent trait. But it also indicates a deficit in our ability to articulate our moronic beliefs and “je ne sais quoi” stupidity.
Which brings us back to my double-asterisk. We need the ** to defeat the Moron Pandemic** Otherwise, we’re going to begin to think that morons aren’t dumb, which will lead to banding together to elect morons who make moronic changes that moronify our world. We must use the **, or we’re all doomed**
Please don’t get offended. Morons are a proud part of history. Here in America for example, for more than 225 years we’ve moronically degraded and abused every type of person we’ve invited to live here. It’s amazing, when you think about it. Can you imagine how smart those morons must have felt when they told an entire race of people that they counted as 3/5 of a person?
“Don’t tell us how to do math! We’ve got this figured out**”
Now it’s time to articulate the difference between a Moron, a Dumbass, and a Jerk.
I will use the example of a bicycle trip to best articulate my point**
A Moron should avoid taking back roads while riding a bike, because he or she will get lost.
Meanwhile, a Dumbass shouldn’t bicycle because they’re likely to get injured or injure another.
But a Jerk? They’ll intentionally give bad directions to a Moron and run a Dumbass off the road.
If you’re still having trouble telling the difference, just remember the following:
Dumbasses can’t understand why movie tickets went from $5 to $15, Morons think this happened because of a conspiracy they’re “onto,” and Jerks raise the prices while the other two watch movies.
But what about Idiots, Mike? Good question, fake reader.
Working in food service for a decade helped me become an expert on splitting the hair of the difference between a Moron and an Idiot. An Idiot does stupid things without realizing they’re dumb, while morons are closeted Idiots who won’t (or can’t) admit to themselves and others that they’re stupid**
And that’s why we don’t have an Idiot Pandemic. Idiots stay in their lane. But Morons? Ruh-Roh! These troublemakers constantly try to prove how smart they are, while the rest of us have to deal with the consequences of their moronic pride.
An idiot joins the KKK, but a moron leads the meeting. An idiot votes for Larry Craig, but only a moron like Larry Craig can solicit gay sex in public while leading the anti-gay marriage movement. An Idiot does things without any thought. A Moron does things because they want people to like them.
But why should we care about Morons and Idiots, Mike? Good question. And I have an answer:
Jerks. You should care about the Moron Pandemic because Jerks are using it against you (and me).
What are you talking about, and why should I believe you, Mike? Aren’t you, in fact, a moron?
Yes, **. But that doesn’t mean I’m blind. Even morons like me can see how the fake divide between Liberals and Conservatives (The Civil War of Morons) is a pyramid scheme where Jerks convince Morons to support them, financially and ideologically, while those Jerks get rich, stay rich, or both.
But what do I know? I’m 44 and write blogs about morons, and, I should reiterate the fact that**
In closing, I’d like to say that if you think it’s hypocritical of me to harp on morons, or that I should butt out of politics, since**, I strongly disagree. For two reasons. One, I learned everything there is to know about politics my sophomore year of high school, and I’ll explain why in a second. But first, I must also admit that I am, and will forever be, a recovering Jerk, and the following anecdote will explain that too…
So what happened my sophomore year? I ran for class treasurer, promising, among many things, to get change machines for dollar bills for the snack and beverage vending machines, and it worked. I won. Then, I proceeded to skip every leadership meeting, even the mandatory ones, and (obviously) never fulfilled any of my campaign promises (including to attend all meetings). But I didn’t stop there. The reason I know everything there is to know about politics, is that I still put that job on my college applications, meaning I told a slew of lies to win an election, didn’t do my job, and still took credit for it.
So I’m not just a moron**, I’m also a proud member of Jerks Anonymous.
SO WHO’S THE MORON NOW? —> **<—
In conclusion, for real this time**, Jerks manipulate Idiots, Dumbasses, and Morons to get what they want, and that’s how the Moron Pandemic started. So if you’re reading this, and you’re a Jerk, please stop manipulating others, because it’s all fun and games until one of those Morons gets other Morons, Idiots, and Dumbasses to listen to them, and then they come after you!
But seriously, friends: We live in a paradox and that's why life can feel incredibly meaningful one moment then a second later, something can happen that clearly indicates how nothing seems sacred. Everything is a paradox. The human condition is learning to accept that and feel content despite the alarming, uncomfortable hypocrisy of it all. Paradox is a synonym of hypocrisy.
Oh, and just in case you forgot:
**
This week on Coffin Talk I interview Jennifer Stirling. After overcoming 25-years of chronic depression, she started the Overcome Depression Podcast to teach others how to heal permanently from depression, like she did, by striving for a thriving life in all its many forms. Listen here!
I peruse headlines to stay informed**
Maybe ***