My Life as a Best-Selling Author

"Dying is easy. It's living that's hard." - David Lowery

I made many mistakes as I became a best-selling author. First and foremost, I lied. Like, I just made that up. I've never best-sold anything. (A fact that is frowned upon in the best-seller community.) In my defense, I always wanted to start an essay that way.

My original opening was, "Before I leave the house, I look in a mirror, suck in my stomach, and…