My Life as a Best-Selling Author
"Dying is easy. It's living that's hard." - David Lowery
I made many mistakes as I became a best-selling author. First and foremost, I lied. Like, I just made that up. I've never best-sold anything. (A fact that is frowned upon in the best-seller community.) In my defense, I always wanted to start an essay that way.
My original opening was, "Before I leave the house, I look in a mirror, suck in my stomach, and turn to the side, then memorize how I look, even though no one sees me this way. It's just a lame, fake version I use, internally, to inflate my self-esteem.”
I then wrote, “I think most people's social media sites are like me, sucking in my stomach for the mirror. From duck faces, to filters, to slimming-angles, many of us post flattering, unrealistic photos, as if they could replace how we actually look.”
This strategy can work on strangers, but it won’t fool anyone who sees you regularly, in person. For example, I know my stomach folds when I sit, because candid, spontaneous photos reveal this, but you won't see that real-version of Mike online!
We also tend to do this with the content of our posts. Like, I don't upload pictures of my wife giving me the finger after I yet again 'lecture her' (her words) for leaving another baby bottle in the sink for 'her servant' (my words) to clean.
Although, now that I think about it, it would be fun to have a website dedicated to the awful looks I've garnered from friends, family, and the women who dated me in the course of my long, goofy, life.
This explains why the only online-posts of my family are gregarious, cropped, wife-approved content that presents the same “life is great” facade many of us try to present to others. And not just online, but even 'irl[1]' as the kids (now in their 30s) say.
Unless they’re attention-starved, most adults’ content implies, "I’m happy, I have no complaints, and I don't need help. In fact, I'm so busy loving life that I barely had time to take 700 photos of this moment, alter my complexion on the best one, and post it!"
My point is there’s a disconnect, online (but also in real life), between how we feel and the signals we send to others about how we feel. And this reflects on a larger issue: We live in an increasingly dishonest society that insists on lying about how great it is.
In my culture, if you don’t drink at social events, you should say “I’m sober” so normal people stop asking (and expecting) you to join them. Drinking, like mirror-poses, is common because it alters our internal reality, which makes it easier to “be ourselves.”
So we’re supposed to use drugs or alcohol to be ourselves? Isn’t that a bit weird? Why not make society a place where you’re just allowed to be yourself? Inebriation, by all logical definitions, is not “being yourself.” We use chemicals to “feel different.”
Some (not all) of my sober friends even tell me that when people hear them say, “I don’t drink,” it triggers negative assumptions. “Being sober often insinuates that you’re ‘uptight,’ ‘can’t control yourself,’ or ‘have trauma related to non-sober people.’’’
Don’t get me wrong. Plenty of people, including me, enjoy life and drink. And plenty of happy people also enjoy social media, VR, etc. I’m not attacking “escaping reality.” I’m addressing a social-pressure to pretend that life is easy, and then to lie about this, publicly, even though this can make others feel inferior and lead to self-doubt.
Like it or not, when we pretend that life is fine or brag about a life that isn’t actually the one we’re experiencing, we give others an impossibly unfair barometer to measure their life against, and this trend is destructive to everyone’s mental health.
I understand that there is a line between “being honest” and “burdening others with your problems,” and I also know it’s taboo (and immature) to cry for attention, but I don’t think our culture has issues with these easy-to-follow, soft rules.
Our society overtly sweeps its problems under a public rug. Just like China inducing rain before the olympics, we’re obsessed with presenting an absurdly varnished facade. And since we’re pack animals, and that’s what the pack is doing, we follow along. It’s safer to pretend life is OK. And if you need help lying? Have a drink.
Meanwhile, what actually helps us handle life is hearing someone else relate their conflict, problems, and other “issues of frustration” to us. All of us are better off when we learn vicariously from someone else. No one needs to repeat another’s mistakes.
I don’t expect others to feel as comfortable as I do publicly writing about divorce, my body, aging, road rage, imposter syndrome, etc., but I do think embellishing positivity should be taboo. Life is challenging, for all of us. We shouldn’t conceal that.
Imagine if, instead of saying, “I'm sober,” to explain not drinking, we had to explain at parties why we were drinking, toking, or using any other mind-altering chemical.
How “funny” would it be to go to a bar and hear, “I’m drinking because…”
“It’s hard to age and internalize, daily, that I’m less sexy, vital, and important.”
“It’s hard to get married and have issues I technically talked about in my vows, but didn’t realize would feel this bad. Marriage is hard!”
“It’s hard to divorce and publicly admit that my 'life-long partner’ and I were wrong.”
“It’s hard to be nice to my kids when they are intentionally hurting my feelings.”
“It’s hard to decline an invite when I can’t afford my friend’s definition of fun.”
“It’s hard to know my friend can’t come to an event because they can’t afford it and I know I could pay for it, but this gesture would affect their first-world dignity.”
“It’s hard to see my parents age. It might even be harder than having them die.”
“It’s hard to see my child grasp that everyone older is supposed to die before them.”
“It’s hard to explain to my kid why I’m not helping a homeless person begging for help.”
“It’s hard to explain to myself why I’m not helping a homeless person begging for help.”
“It’s hard to have this mole and know I should see a doctor about it.”
“It’s hard to admit that life feels challenging, even though I seem to have enough.”
HOLY F***, Mike. Why are you making me think about this heavy s***? I thought you wrote “weekly humorous essays?” It’s two days after Thanksgiving! What gives?
I wrote this because I think the holidays are hard for many, especially when there’s so much fake cheer online, in ads, and at parties. I think our social messaging says that life should feel easy, but it often doesn’t, so I’m doing something about that.
I don’t care if you drink, don’t drink, take drugs, or meditate in a cave all day. I’m concerned if you think you’re the only person seeking alternative solutions to mental and physical problems that society says you should take chemicals to solve.
First-world citizens are socialized to think life is a series of goals and achievements, and if you’re not fully satisfied by material wealth, there’s something wrong with you. But that’s not at all true. Life is a perseverance-challenging march in the nebulous space between birth and death, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you notice that.
If you’re not having an easy time, but think others are, I don’t know if the following is good news or bad news, but rich people commit suicide, beautiful people get cheated on and dumped, and many celebrities aren’t celebrating their lives. Life is a mixed bag.
The solution to our woes is sharing the good times and the bad with others. That’s how real friendships form, and that’s what makes all relationships meaningful.
Now, PLEASE GET OUT OF MY WAY! I’m late to a HUGE book-signing for my new best-seller “I succeed every time, I have no failures, I’m not aging, and I will always be relevant and everyone should think of me as often as I think about myself.” OKAY?
This week Coffin Talk welcomes back legal expert Kirk Nurmi! Kirk rose to international prominence as the lead counsel for the infamous Jodi Arias. He has written for the New York Daily News and authored eight books. He has also appeared on Crime Stories with Nancy Grace, Court TV, Law and Crime Daily, Dr. Oz, The Mel Robbins Show and The Today Show. But nothing brings him more joy than spending time with his wife of 32 years and his dog Ron.
We talk about the Menendez Brothers, mental illness + insanity, the Supreme Court, punishment, incarceration, rehabilitation, corporal punishment, corrections, prison, retribution, shame, justice, social control, deviance, juvenile delinquency, policing, reform, lockdowns, and why Mike is absurdly paranoid. It’s a fun time. Listen here.
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[1] irl is a Millennial abbreviation for "In Real Life."
This is a great thought experiment - but on the 'why am i drinking' you left out "There is a new flavor of beer i want to try and i want to socialize" *(My generalized only reason for ordering a beer at a bar)
This was exceptionally thought provoking. Well worth saving and going back to over time, posssibly again and again.