Let Them Eat Cake

The picture above is of the amazing “How to Tame a Dragon Trainer” cake my mom made for my daughter Alice for her 5th birthday. Alice has never seen any of the films whose titles nearly match the name for “her favorite movie”, but after trying to reason with her, we gave up and went along with her insistence that this is a real film.

But this makes sense. Because if I’ve learned anything in my 45 years on Earth, it’s “Do not attempt to use logic or reason with a five-year-old human.”

But even if you disagree, you can’t argue the fact that my daughter Alice turned five this week (I mean, you can, but why would you?). And while this may not seem like a big deal to you, that’s probably only because you’re under 2, or over 5 years old. If you’re 3-5, then you know what a big deal this is (And you can read already? Wow!)

Why is five so important? Well, for starters, it’s ‘cause 5 is bigger than 4. Duh. But it’s also because in America, five is when one enters compulsory education, a mandatory system that forces parents to let society brainwash educate their kids five days a week.

But kindergarten isn’t the only reason my kid woke up ecstatic on her birthday. It’s also because five-year-olds get 1. Later bed times 2. More play without adult supervision, and most of all 3. The right to say “I’m a kid now, not a toddler!”

I thought this was baloney, but Alice’s attorneys cousins have access to the Almighty Internet which “proved” that “A child is no longer a toddler when they turn five.”

What makes five a big deal for me is the shift in consciousness. When Alice was two, she pointed at things and said their name; at three, she asked for stories that entertained her; and at four, she started asking, “Why?” in response to everything.

But five? Five has ushered in a maelstrom of questions I don’t want to field, and not just with my daughter, but with anyone. Because what really happens at five is that a child begins to understand that humanity and society are far from perfect.

When parents say it’s hard to raise kids, I think it’s because they want attention, praise, or attention and praise. But it’s also probably because it feels hard to practice self-control and discipline with a tiny human, arrogantly hell-bent on self-harm.

So I guess folks want attention for that? I don’t know. I’m not paying attention to them. I’m too busy trying to stop my kid from acting like a kid, and it’s exhausting¹!

Ergo, I will not indulge in parental vanity and say it’s hard to explain “the shadows of humanity” to my kid. But I will admit it’s made me think a lot about “child-rearing.” So for real, indulge me and tell me how you’d explain the following to a five-year-old:

(Note: I fixed the grammar, pronunciation, and other syntax for coherency.)

• Why do people get a divorce? Will you and Mommy get a divorce?

• What is murder? Why do people do that?

• What is suicide? Why would anyone do that? Can’t we help them?

• Why does that man’s sign ask for money? Why do you give money to some of those people, and not others? How do you decide how much money to give?

• I prayed for my [grandmother] to come back to life. Why isn’t she coming back?

• Why is that kid being mean to me? I didn’t do anything mean to them.

• Why are all those basketball players brown? Am I brown? Am I white?

• Why do some people hate Tramp [sic]? Is he evil? I thought presidents were good.

• Why can’t I show people my vagina? Why can boys take their shirts off to swim?

• What is weight? What is a diet? Is my sister fat? I’m not fat, right?

Obviously, I know how I would answer these questions—because I had to—but I’m pretty sure my average American peer would despise my replies, as they do not reflect the philosophies my school, society, and culture socialized me to believe in.

I used to believe them, until I realized, “I’m going to have a nervous breakdown if I don’t stop conforming to traditions I do not respect. I need to respect myself.”

But maybe I’m paranoid. Hence this blog. So I’m asking you to tell me (dm, email, comments) what you’d say to a five-year-old who will repeat your answers, verbatim, and cite you as their source to teachers, friends, other parents, clerks, neighbors, etc..

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This Week on Coffin Talk: Susanne Holly Brent earned a Journalism Degree in Denver before moving to a small town in Arizona to work as a newspaper reporter, and in addition to writing, she has worked in upscale and downscale restaurants, taught ESL, read tea leaves, and pursued other jobs she’s forgotten about. LISTEN HERE

1. Did you see what I did there? I hope so, as I want attention and praise for that.