I Don't Follow the News 'Cause I Can't Find It.

(Anyone else?)

When I was a kid, like most of us, I went to school. It was weird, but it was also the only thing I knew, so I went along with it. I figured it was normal to be herded and ordered around. Besides, the punishment for ‘being bad’ looked worse than obedience.

What’s weird about going to school, is that when you’re older, you see how your class was really a mini-society, training you to learn how the real, adult one works. Everyone who went to school experienced this, no matter what culture it was in, because humans, when clustered, socialize themselves to survive group-think.

It’s true. In school, kids, just like adults, instinctively self-divide into haves, have-nots, and ‘neithers.’ And, just like in real society, these factions develop a system of “news” and “gossip” that every kid has trouble telling the difference between. It’s confusing.

The parallels don’t stop there. Schools encourage kids to take on adult-roles. We’re expected to pick an “elective” that somehow defines us. Some choose athletics, others do theater or shop, and there are even student-elections, rally-leaders, and newspapers.

The weirdest part of all of this is the awkward period when some kids start having sex while others are still dying to do “kid” things. It’s messy. You’ll see kids drastically switch life-long goals to alter their persona, hoping it might change their social status.

And that’s the point of this essay. I’ve recently realized that as our culture continues to spin-off into some weird popularity contest that resembles most of our experiences in high school, when it comes to “the news,” we’re totally missing the point.

News was not designed to inform us about events. The purpose of news has always been the same as gossip: it’s supposed to entertain us and give us something to think about, mostly to help us stop thinking about ourselves (our only real problem).

For example, there is a war in Ukraine, but the companies telling you about it aren’t trying to help you understand that conflict. They want to sell you fodder to gossip about. When you discuss “The War in Ukraine,” unless you’re a military official or head of state, you’re gossiping. You’re entertaining yourself (and others) with opinions.

This is exactly how “news” works in schools. When you hear that Johnny got to third base with Nancy, or that Steve smoked pot and took his parents’ car on a joy ride, the person telling you about this isn’t trying to inform you, they’re hoping to entertain you.

Humans love gossip so much that we even like to create international celebrities. Early examples are Genghis Khan, Cleopatra, and Alexander the Great; more recently we had King Henry VIII and Napoleon; and last century featured Hitler and Stalin.

International gossip works just like local gossip. It requires two things: A controversy, and an audience that has convinced itself that it knows the people involved well-enough to judge them. This is why we all like to think we know current celebrities.

But the truth is, you and I don’t know Joe Biden, Donald Trump, or Kamala Harris. And we also don’t know the people “professionally” writing or talking about them. And yes, this also means we don’t know Vladimir Putin, Benjamin Netanyahu, or Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Or Taylor Swift. Or Joe Rogan. We only know P. Diddy (joke).

But Mike! You’re wrong! Putin is evil! And Trump is friends with him! And Kamala only went along with Nancy in Steve’s car because Johnny was getting handsy and she wanted someone else there! She wouldn’t normally do that! She’s good. Trust me.

The good news is that if you take a step back and think about it, this gossip system isn’t depressing, nor is it some clever attempt by yours truly to dismiss the results of an election or belittle the looming, heavy geopolitical decisions our leaders must make.

I don’t find this depressing because it reinforces the only advice I follow these days, which is to realize that the world is as you are. If you’re mad, the world is angry, if you’re sad, it’s gloomy, but if you’re upbeat, even in conflict, it’s somehow not so bad.

Fans of entertainment use a concept called, "willful suspension of disbelief." It's how you relax and stop thinking critically about a plot so you can enjoy it. If “the news” is bringing you down, I suggest you apply some willful suspension of disbelief to your perspective. Instead of judging celebrities and trying to guess what they will do in the future, change your focus, find something nice, and let your life become art.

---

This week on Coffin Talk: "Nurse Jenn" is a Registered Nurse in Canada who has worked in Emergency Rooms all over Ontario. She has a passion for helping nursing graduates grow into the nurses they dream they'll be, while avoiding the common pitfalls along the way and has authored many books to help! Listen here.