Excuse Me?

(In, or Into?)

From burps to farts, no two cultures are the same. Each one has different rules for when you can and can't do either (or both), and each even specifies to what extent you can reference them. And that’s just the case with these two completely normal (and necessary) bodily functions.

I call this “The Cultural Contract,” and I developed the theory from observations I made after visiting thirty countries and teaching ESL to thousands of students from fifty-plus countries for a decade.

My premise is that every country has at least one value that contradicts the moral structure of another, so I think globalization will fail unless we develop a universal morality, or a true tolerance for deep ethical divisions that, in the past, have always led to extreme violence, including genocide and war.

Whelp. OK, how about if we start with the small stuff?

Did you know that you can burp at dinner in India, but you can't eat a cow? Or that you can loudly slurp soup in Japan, but can't visit a spa if you have a tattoo? How about this: you can fart on a first date in Korea, but you also might be wining and dining someone whose family farms and eats dogs.

The idiom Americans use to explain this phenomenon is The Sacred Cow, a figure of speech for “something we consider immune from question or criticism, especially unreasonably so.”

And that definition proves my point! If you practice Hinduism and revere the cow, it’s disrespectful to find out that Americans consider this “especially unreasonable,” and yet there you have it, in the same culture that cancels a career for misgendering, we brazenly mock other humans who don’t eat cows.

My point is that our rapidly globalizing “Internet awareness of others” is going to assimilate or destroy us (at least culturally), and we have no idea which outcome is more likely to occur, because we can’t measure or really know how entrenched each unique “cultural value” is in the minds of those people.

Let’s return to the basics:

Do you fart? (Yes.) OK. Good. So, if you have to fart at a work meeting in a small room with ten people, do you hold it, release it with great energy and joy, go to the restroom to pass it, or see if you can sneak it in there with no sound? (And if there’s a fifth option, PLEASE post it in the comments!?)

Now what about this same question, only now you’re at a symphony? Or a rock concert? Or on a first date? What about late at night, on the couch, next to your partner of ten or more years?

Now think about why you would do what you would do in each situation, and also if you’d prefer to do something different, if you lived in a place that told you it was okay to do that.

Next question:

Do you own a slave? (Please unsubscribe if you do.)

Did you know that slavery is legal in India, Mauritania, Saudi Arabia, and Libya? And those are just the four places it’s legal. Many countries don’t have legal slavery, but also don’t have a law against it.

Now, if you are anything like me and you think you're tolerant and like to say, “To each their own,” this is the point of my essay where you may want to really scrutinize this "I'm OK, you’re OK" policy.

Because, if you really think each culture is “OK,” then you’re giving a pass to (in no specific order): slavery, factory farming, child labor, forced labor, forced marriage, forced sex work, genital mutilation, restricting voting by gender, race, or class, irreversible mining/fracking/drilling, and, you’re also turning a blind eye to atrocities like: wearing shoes inside, pointing chopsticks, and arriving early, late, or on-time. Oh, and don’t forget to kiss your best friend’s wife on the lips when you greet and depart!

That’s a very, very, (very) short list. I didn’t even get to abortion, suicide, marriage, sexual orientation, gender, and other ‘on-the-bubble stuff’ like: procreating with your cousin, dress codes, kinks, haircuts, body odor, public displays of affection and aggression, and sweet lord(!), I have to stop somewhere!

The weirdest aspect of this dilemma is how it ties into the “The Ad Hominem Attack” fallacy, which is when you attack a person, not the idea they’ve presented. This is a common problem as culture globalizes when we denigrate some rules while ennobling others, based on our opinion of that culture:

“Eating dogs? That’s wrong! Only THE CHINESE eat dogs!”

“Noble African tribes practice sacred rituals for their daughters that are their form of circumcision.”

or my favorite, because it works in both directions (for and against the same issue):

“Islamic jihad? You are the one that doesn’t understand what that concept means!”

My point is that the future will frustrate you if you think your morality is correct and anyone who opposes it is unethical, but the future will also frustrate you if you tell yourself that everyone’s morality is okay, and then your permission leads to events or circumstances that viscerally disturb you.

Morality is often culturally entrenched, but thanks to how we’re socialized, we think it’s not.

Here’s a good example to illustrate how random our values are:

If I came over to your house in a swimsuit, got in your pool, and then you saw a yellow cloud around me, you’d probably think I was rude for peeing in your pool.

Now imagine if I came over, walked to your pool, and peed into it, from the side. You’d have a different reaction, and yet, the same crime occurred: I urinated in your pool, and you don’t like that.

You’re more upset because I peed into your pool, not in it, and that’s absurd!

Now imagine you’re from a very different culture where deception is worse than anything else. In that situation, the greatest crime would be trying to deceive your host by peeing in the water with your suit on and hoping they didn’t see it! There are so many ways to be (or not be) offended by urine in a pool!

So what’s the line? There isn’t one. We just want one, so our egos create morality while our hearts inform our emotional reactions. Unfortunately, these two organs often disagree, but we don’t like that cognitive dissonance, and the result is our many internal and external, hypocritical, ethical divides.

Remember this the next time you have to fart.

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Meet Tynan Grierson. He is the founder of The Story Ark, a service that preserves the voices and stories of our loved ones. His understanding of storytelling and compassionate approach makes The Story Ark a beacon of hope for those seeking solace in the voices & memories of their loved ones. Listen on any app, or right here.