1. I’m holding my baby. “A Whiter Shade of Pale” plays in the kitchen as I watch my wife cut the slightly-older daughter’s toenails on the stoop. Neighborhood BBQ drifts in through the screen door of the house we own. One of us may have a health issue, but the baby doesn’t care. She’s in awe, staring at me as I realize this is one of the last times I'll hold my baby because she’s becoming a toddler, and I got snipped.
Something’s off. In a good way. I’m feeling sublime. Everything in its right place. I think, “This is the meaning of life,” as a confident warmth spreads across my chest and over my arm. This is the goal. This is the finish line. I’m so happy. I have arrived.
I look at my baby. She’s grinning ear-to-ear, but her mouth is full of a white, glimmering froth and I no longer smell BBQ. The air is foul. Spittle. The baby is vomiting. I’m wet and it’s cold and it’s dripping. I rush to the changing table, arm pressed against baby as she flails. Where are the rags? And what’s that smell?
She shit herself. This is why I got snipped. Babies are hard.
This is life. Half-wishing to prolong a moment while half-longing for a future that will also never last. We cannot hold on to anything. Not even the things we think we hate.
2. I’ve often wished I said, “Can we drop this?” but never regretted dropping it.
3. It’s hard to pay attention when this thing in my pocket has everything I like on it.
4. Yoga means “union.” This means if your partner becomes a yoga teacher and hooks up with a client, you shouldn't be surprised or mad. They're teaching union.
5. I always thought I was nice until my wife convinced me otherwise. I kept saying, “I’m a nice guy,” to which she’d reply, “No. You’re conscientious.” Furious, we consulted three dictionaries, all of which confirmed my worst fear: My wife was right. Nice means “pleasant and agreeable,” two words I can wear for hours, but not all day.
I was upset because I assumed that if I’m not nice, that makes me mean, but that’s not true. “Not being nice” isn’t the same as “not being nice,” just like when you “don’t like” something, it doesn’t mean you “dislike” it. I taught English for years and this is my biggest pet peeve. We need a way to distinguish “not positives” from “not negatives.”
6. Did you get your tattoo to fit in, or to rebel? Oh yeah? Cool. Me too.
7. We can’t explain how many things work, but they still exist. For example, we can’t explain consciousness, contagious yawning, or dark matter. It gets worse. We don’t even know how existence works. My point? Don’t hold your breath for Proof of How.
8. I lied. My biggest English pet peeve is that literally means literally and figuratively, but figuratively does not mean literally. This double standard literally makes me want to not like English, and literally makes me not like English.
9. If you don't like everyone, why should everyone like you?
10. When I was a kid, I was bored all the time. I especially hated arts and culture. And car rides. I remember awful, ubiquitous experiences, sulking in the back seat of a friend’s car on the way to see their older sister in The Nutcracker. Or was it Annie? Who cares. It was so boring. I would read the program over and over again, hating everything about time. How slowly it moved. It didn’t even melt. Or ooze.
It ticked.
Today, the speed of time seems faster than ever and I don't think it's always or never been like this for others, but it’s too much for me. I have nostalgia for boredom.
11. In closing, whatever it is, and you know what it is, remember: Don’t make it worse.
This week on Coffin Talk: Alina Bartuli is "just another Korean Ukrainian American podcasting from El Salvador." This one is “hella interesting” (my words). Listen here.
I love this one!! It’s visceral and fun. Thoughtful and casual. Nerdy and subject specific yet… universally relatable in all the right ways.
Another one that is quite thought-proving.