Idiomacy
A former ESL teacher, I’m a big fan of American adages, idioms, and clichés. But even I, a dinosaur, must admit that some are embarrassingly outdated. Not one to complain without a solution, I therefore set out this week to amend some.
There’s no such thing as a stupid question.
This should be: “There’s no such thing as a stupid question, unless you’re asking the same question to someone who already said they don’t know the answer, in which case, you are stupid and your question isn’t just stupid, it’s also bad!”
Do unto others as you’d have done to you.
This should be: “Do unto others as you’d have done to you, provided you don’t have weird fetishes, quirks, or mental health issues that wouldn’t be well recieved by others. Like, if you are a masochist, you shouldn’t just run up to someone and verbally berate them or physically harm them, just ‘cause that’s your thing. OK?”
Time is money.
This should be: “Time is money, unless you’re living in an epoch or culture that doesn’t agree with this narrow minded, anti-proletariat, oppressive saying that was designed to convince us to embrace a hurry-up-and-rush lifestyle that is literally killing most of us with the stress and anxiety it compels one to feel.”
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Um, Sexism anyone? This should read: “Early to bed makes an insomniac, of any gender, struggle even more with an already devastating condition that makes those who suffer from it fear lying awake in bed, unable to sleep, while the stupid ‘time is money’ clock ticks in the background reminding us of the hell we’re going to pay if we don’t get a decent night’s sleep!”
Honesty is the best policy.
Are any of you married, or living with children? How about: “Lies of omission are a good option to use when a recipient of ‘the truth’ would get mad and hate you or lose their faith in adults and society if they knew the truth you know.”
If it aint broke don’t fix it.
Why are we modeling bad grammar? That’s dumb. “If it’s isn’t broken, don’t fix it.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
It’s 2026. Who still carries eggs in a basket? They come in cartons, and those cartons are pretty good at protecting them on our way from the store to the fridge. But even if we did use baskets, can you imagine how stupid we’d look carrying a bunch of baskets from the supermarket to our car, just to avoid dropping one? First of all, you’re more likely to drop a basket if you’re trying to carry multiple baskets at once (it’s called diffusion of attention), and second of all, you’re not supposed to carry the baskets out of the supermarket! You’re supposed to put the groceries in a bag and carry that, so at the very least, it should be ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one bag,’ which then begs the question: paper or plastic?”
There’s no place like home.
This one (apparently) needs an update because it’s offensive to the
homeless.I meanunhoused. Wait. What that? It’s now ‘people experiencing homelessness?’ Are you kidding?When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Going where? Away from the going? Towards it? Could this idiom be any less clear? In fact, it’s so vague I don’t even know how to fix it. But I’m not a quitter, so here goes nothing: “When times are tough, smart people know that sometimes you should give up and save your energy for another day, but at other times you must redouble your efforts and resolve to stick it through. But it’s case by case.”
You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Well, you can, but the American Diabetes Society strongly disagrees. How about: “You can have a sensible amount of cake, in moderation, but not too often, and even if you do this, you are of course running the risk of hyperglycemia, but then, if you try to make a healthier cake at home, thanks to your earlier folly of putting all your egg cartons in that bag you dropped on the way to your car, your egg-less cake is going to suck, so why bother eating it anyway?”
This week on Coffin Talk: Daniel Bookman was born and raised in Scotland until he was 12, when he was sent Manchester, England for religious education. After graduation, he studied Yeshiva in Israel. Then, after a brief sojourn in the UK to study law, he returned to Israel and still lives there with his wife and 7 kids. If you’re interested in the Middle East, this one is for you! LISTEN HERE
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